Sunday, August 13, 2006

The end of the line for Mole Neck

CSP: "I need a haircut."
Me: "I don't know why you don't let me cut your hair." - note- I have no hair cutting training whatsoever but I have loads of confidence in my abilities as I've watched other people cut hair for years so how hard could it be?
CSP: "Cause I don't want to look any more stupid than I already do."
Me: "Then why don't you let my mom cut it?" -note- my mom is actually a trained hairstylist, although retired.
CSP: "Cause I don't want her taking out her revenge on me for my past transgressions."

So I had to tell my mom about this exchange and while talking to my her yesterday and the subject of one of my old boyfriends came up. Mole Neck Lenny. And then I realized, quite a few of them had not so attractive nicknames. Let's see, there was Demon Damon, Snaggle Tooth Todd, Sick & Tired Matt, Bowl Head Todd, No Chin Steve, Tom Russell the Love Muscle, Far Side Kid Chris and of course, Mole Neck Lenny. My mom wanted soooo badly to snip off the mole on Mole Neck Lenny's Neck every time she'd cut his hair. But she held back. She said it looked like "A giant tick looking at me every time I'd cut his hair." Lucky for him I broke up with him before she lost her willpower and sliced that thing right off. He only lasted as long as he did cause he had a computer and I didn't and I had papers to write in college. One day while I was using his computer he came in and wanted a kiss right after chowing down on some peanut butter. The breath on him about killed me. I thought "Just as soon as I'm done writing this paper we're through." And we were. Hey, I was young and boys were a dime a dozen back then so I could afford to be a little superficial. Don't judge. I know a girl who broke up with a guy once for wearing white pants to a party, so in comparison this is deep stuff!

Snaggle Tooth Todd met his end after a double date. I never let him tongue kiss me cause I was afraid of that snaggle tooth. Poor guy. He was super nice and we dated for a couple of months. It was my senior year of high school and we'd eaten at Olive G@rden then gone to see Hamlet. Apparently STT's dinner wasn't sitting right as he proceeded to have silent but deadly burps throughout the movie. They were so stinky I couldn't wait to get out of there. As soon as we pulled up in my driveway I broke up with him.

Demon Damon and I dated on and off from the time I was 12 (not real dates til we were like 16) til I was 25. In fact, he was my last boyfriend before CSP came into the picture. DD was named that cause that boy was ballsy. Once I was coming home from a date and we pulled up to the house and there was DD waiting on me. He told my date to get lost. Ballsy!

Bowl Head Todd was a bag boy and I was a cashier in 12th grade. He was a little shorter than me and I just couldn't handle it. My posture was suffering.

Sick & Tired Matt and I dated from age 18-22. He was my first true love. But he was always sick and tired. Might have had something to do with the copious amounts of weed he smoked. I broke up with him when I realized if I married him there would probably always be a place in our budget for ganja (sp) and I wasn't down with that.

No Chin Steve came along some time after S&TM. We dated about a year. He was super skinny and smoked and drove a Camaro. So the no chin thing was the least of his worries. We broke up when I realized we were really just friends who had a little too much to drink one night and thought it might be a good idea to date. We remain friends and I run into him periodically.

Tom Russell the Love Muscle (not his real first name) and I met at work. I interviewed him for a job and he told me I had great hair. I hired him, paid him top of scale, and we'd make out in my office. A lot. Man was he a cutie. He had some sort of magical hold over me. Literally made my knees weak. Sigh. I was older than him though and he was still in college so the party lifestyle interfered with a relationship. So it was a casual, fun thing that is now a fond memory. That boy had moves.

Far Side Kid Chris and I met because we worked for the same company. I was an HR manager and he was my home office contact in the North East. We ended up chatting longer than we should and emailing then visiting and the next thing you know he moved here to be with me. We dated about a year, a little longer, but he wasn't all that nice to me sometimes and would say mean things. So I broke it off with him. Then he repeatedly asked me to marry him, a couple of times at a company conference in front of a hundred or so people. That didn't end well. Oh, and he was named Far Side Kid cause he wore hit baseball caps all jacked up in front and was shorter than me (although he swore he was 5'9"-my ass, I'm only 5'7") and someone once commented he looked like the Far Side Kid who was pushing the door marked pull.

So that's my laundry list of nicknamed boyfriends. There were some regular ones thrown in here and there who got out without a nickname. Of course now I thankfully have CSP (Captain Safety Pants-Jon). But he's not going anywhere!

Anyone out there ever nickname their boys? Any bizarre reasons for breakups?

No comments: