Thursday, June 15, 2006

I'm in over my head, over my head

A little while ago we had a plan. It seemed like it could work. Like it would work. Foolproof even. Started counting chickens. So we set some things in motion. Wrote a couple of checks for a lot of money. Then I got sick. Again. And we knew we'd have to do something permanent to keep me from bleeding and being sick. So we did. And now, just a little, I'm freaking out. I willingly let them sterilize me. To keep me from bleeding. To make my life better of course. But what if this adoption doesn't work out? Already the wait has doubled. And it is so expensive and is taking so long because it is so expensive. We just don't have $25,000 sitting around. And now it is my only hope. I can't fall back on, well, if it doesn't work out we'll just do IVF. Can't now. My only hope is so far away. I feel sometimes like I'll never be a mom, we'll never have a family. We'll always be that couple at the cookouts with no kids. I don't want that look. That "oh yeah, they couldn't have kids and the adoption didn't work out" look. And people who are DTC, LID for months and months already, end in sight, who are complaining about the wait, oy. I mean, I hear ya, I feel bad for ya, I hate the wait too. I know most of you have struggled just like us. But you're so close. So close. And my walls are crashing in. And I don't want people to feel sorry for me, for us. I just want to get better, to try as hard as I can to make it work. I want to get to where so many of you are, the wait. Where all I'll have to do is decorate, and shop, and wait, and hope. And maybe, hopefully, prayerfully, my only hope will come through for us.

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